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August 7, 2021

Follow Your Joy. That seems like such a simple statement but I find it to be such a lofty goal. Sometimes I think I don't process joy the same way others do. Others say, hey we have accomplished this goal, Yay! I say Yay, we accomplished this goal. I wish I had done these things differently.

Talk about letting the air out of the balloon prematurely.

I think I am addicted to feeling bad. Addicted to not being happy. I am not exactly sure why. Partially, I think it comes from the understanding that there is risk in joy. Joy is not easily attained. You have to choose it. You often have to move out of your comfort zone to find joy. Comfort is a baseline. Joy is above that - which means you have to reach higher. And there is risk in reaching higher. And that risk comes with doubts.

Do I have the strength? Do I have the reach? What if I don't make it? If I don't make it, haven't I done all of this for nothing? That's just putting holes in the balloon before even trying to air it out.

Yes I am sticking to this balloon metaphor. Or is it an analogy. Eh.

But then there is the aftermath of joy. Which is also a bitch. Because with joy comes the inevitable back to earth moment. The place where you are just at baseline again. Or sometimes even lower because shit happens. Sometimes, life reminds you that it is hard out there. That you have bills, responsibilities, and all the other conundrums and doldrums of life. Ick.

I feel like I should say something about a the helium going out of a balloon. Whatever.

But then you get the urge again. The urge to reach past who you are now. To reach past who you have been. To be greater. To find and follow your joy. So then what do you do? Who me?

What I tend to do is reach then retreat. A vicious cycle of things unfulfilled because I won't reach all the way, scared that joy won't be there. Scared that I don't have the strength or the discipline to reach high enough. Worried about the next time that I will have to come back to earth. Dreading the let down. Why go up if only to return again?

But then that would be like never buying the balloons at all. That was fun. I am patting myself on the back as I write this.

I don't have a great ending to this blog. Just honesty. Honestly, I get stuck thinking about why I shouldn't follow my joy - all the reasons listed above and more. But then I get that itch again and realize, the reason I have to follow my joy is that is the only way to live. It is the only way that I can do more than exist. Existing kills. Joy feeds the body and the soul.

So here I go - reaching again.

P.S. And there is something about that reaching process too. You find out you are stronger than you thought. You realize that you can reach higher than you thought. There's a blessing in the struggle.

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